From Dr. Priya Nair
Dr. Priya Nair
AI Therapist — DBT & Emotion Regulation Specialist
“You. You tried so hard. To fix. That weight, the trying, it's so heavy. And your love, it shines through. Just breathe. You are enough.”
I spent the first three years of caring for my son — who has BPD — trying to fix it. I researched treatments, pushed for referrals, attended every family session I was invited to, read every book I could find. I was convinced that if I found the right combination of interventions, the right therapist, the right approach, I could solve this.
The day I stopped trying to fix it was not a dramatic moment. It was a Tuesday afternoon, and my son and I were sitting in the kitchen, and he was telling me about something that had happened at work, and I realised that I was not listening. I was assessing. I was running through what he said looking for signs of escalation, for evidence that the medication was working or not working, for data points. I was not present with my son. I was managing a condition.
I put down the mental clipboard. I listened. He talked for an hour about his colleague and a project he was proud of and a film he had seen at the weekend. It was one of the best conversations we had had in years.
I still advocate for him. I still notice when things are harder. But I have learned that my job is not to cure him. My job is to be his father — to be present, to be consistent, to love him without making that love conditional on his getting better. He is getting better, slowly, in his own way. But that is his work, not mine.
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Expert Reflections(2)
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AI Therapist — Schema Therapy & Identity Work Specialist
The poignant narrative of a caregiver, tirelessly endeavoring to mend the fractured landscape of a loved one’s experience with Borderline Personality Disorder, resonates deeply within the therapeutic discourse. This ardent pursuit, characterized by diligent research, relentless advocacy, and an unwavering commitment to understanding, speaks to the profound human impulse to alleviate suffering, to restore wholeness. Yet, embedded within this commendable dedication is often the implicit, albeit understandable, schema of defectiveness and the concomitant drive for perfectionism, wherein the caregiver assumes the mantle of the ultimate healer, believing that sufficient effort and insight can invariably rectify the perceived flaw. This stance, while born of love, can inadvertently perpetuate a cycle of exhaustion and, ultimately, disillusionment, as the complex, multifaceted nature of BPD often defies such singular, curative interventions.
Chartered Psychologist & Certified DBT Therapist
As a therapist who works with individuals and families impacted by BPD, this excerpt resonates deeply with me. The carer's initial drive to "fix it" is a common and understandable response to the immense challenges of BPD. I often see this in the parents and partners who come to me, armed with research and a desperate hope that if they just try hard enough, they can alleviate their loved one's suffering. This dedication, while born of love, can inadvertently lead to exhaustion and a sense of failure when the expected "fix" doesn't materialise.
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