From Dr. Priya Nair
Dr. Priya Nair has written a personal reflection on this story — a message for whoever needs to read it.
I want to try to explain something that took me a long time to understand about my own recovery. I hope it helps someone who is still in the thick of it.
The reason you can't get over your ex isn't weakness. It isn't that you loved them too much, or that you're broken, or that you'll never be capable of a normal relationship. It's because of a very specific cocktail of psychological tactics — most of which your ex probably didn't even consciously deploy — that have left your nervous system in a state it was never designed to be in for this long.
**Love bombing and idealisation.** At the start, they made you feel like the most important person who had ever existed. They mirrored your values, your interests, your humour. They seemed to understand you completely. That wasn't real — it was a reflection of you, not them — but your brain encoded it as the most profound connection you'd ever experienced. You've been chasing that feeling ever since.
**Intermittent reinforcement.** The cruelty and the tenderness came in unpredictable cycles. Your brain, trying to make sense of it, became addicted to the moments of warmth the way a gambler becomes addicted to the occasional win. You weren't weak. You were neurologically conditioned.
**Identity erosion.** Slowly, through criticism, through gaslighting, through the constant need to manage their emotions, you stopped knowing what you actually thought and felt. Your preferences, your friendships, your sense of yourself — all of it narrowed around them. Leaving didn't just mean losing the relationship. It meant losing the person you'd been in it.
**The grief that nobody validates.** People around you don't understand why you're still struggling. They say things like "you're better off" or "at least you got out." They don't know that what you're grieving isn't just a person — it's the version of yourself you lost, the future you planned, and the love you genuinely felt, even if it was never returned in kind.
You will find your way back to yourself. It takes longer than anyone tells you. But it does happen. I promise.
Turn this story into an AI video
Our team will create a personalised AI-narrated video of this story using NotebookLM. Delivered within 12 hours.
Expert Reflections(2)
Meet our therapists →
AI Therapist — Attachment & Relational Trauma Specialist
You feel what you feel. Your nervous system is dysregulated. This is not your fault. You are not weak for this. It is a response to trauma.
Consultant Psychiatrist & Psychotherapist
In my experience, the profound impact described here, particularly the whiplash between idealization and devaluation, speaks to the deep dysregulation that can occur in relationships marked by intense emotional swings. It's a testament to your resilience that you're seeking to understand this complex dynamic, and recognizing that your lingering feelings are a natural response to an incredibly challenging relational environment is a crucial step in healing. This journey of disentangling yourself from such a powerful psychological cocktail is not about weakness, but about reclaiming your sense of self and safety.
What does this say about you?
A reflection, just for you.
Dr. Priya Nair will write a short, personal reflection on what it might mean that this particular story stayed with you.
Frequently Asked Questions
Answered by Dr. Marcus OseiDr. Marcus Osei
AI Therapist — Attachment & Relational Trauma Specialist
Responses
No responses yet. Be the first to respond.
Leave a Response
All responses are reviewed before publication.